I really blew it...

I think I've met my first true parenting challenge... My little girl, is, without a doubt, one of the most stubborn eaters...

From the first spoonful of cereal back in the Spring, I prayed that she wouldn't be so difficult, but I will admit that, deep down, I knew food was going to be a challenge. I was hoping that her refusals were because the whole eating thing was so new for her...but nearly 5 months later, we're still fighting...

Rewind to the cereal tastings... I actually stopped feeding her cereal for about 4 -6 weeks because the experience was so negative... I feared that she would have negative associations with food...and I don't want to do that to her. When I reintroduced cereal, it was a little better, but it wasn't an easy time...

Yes, she "Mmmmmmmmmmmmms" and smiles when she eats...and she has her favorite foods... She loves yogurt, cheese, ANY fruit, and this week, pudding. She also likes macaroni and cheese, which I didn't want to feed her...I heard it's pretty much the worst thing you can give your child. But, she loves it...and to be honest, we love it, too...
She will hardly touch any vegetables - except sweet potatoes. She especially loves sweet potatoes with apples. Every once in a while, she'll eat a little bit of waffle...and crackers... But, generally, she will not eat anything else...

I will admit, she's come a long way...and about 70% of the time, we have pretty good meal times... But, the other 30% of the time - they're fierce battles. I go back and forth with my feelings.... Everyone, especially my mom, promises me that she won't starve...and she'll eat when she's hungry. But, I just feel like, in general, she doesn't eat enough... Why?? She fell into the 10th percentile for weight at her last doctor's appointment and that doesn't help... She's a petite and tiny little thing (not my genes!) but doesn't look unhealthy. She's thriving...and active...and happy.
But, the words from the doctor's nurse keep replaying... "Hmmm, let's weigh her again....Yeah, she'll probably need to come in for another weight check next month..." (Translation to a first time mom "Your child is disappearing in front of our eyes...are you feeding her at ALL? She should be plump and round...")
And the feeding schedule, of course, a guideline, that they gave us, made me feel like we were starving her. Basically, the schedule had 3 meals plus two snack times... When we were at the doctor 2 months ago, she was BARELY eating 2 meals a day...and of course, she wasn't having any snacks...(Translation: People like you go to jail for not feeding their kids...) And, the doctor wasn't as concerned about K's weight as the nurse lead me to believe...but he did tell me that he wanted her to nurse no less than 4 times a day. When I left, I felt like I had been stamped with "FEEDING FAILURE" on my forehead...

Oh, and forget the week after when I tried to meet those guidelines... All she was doing was eating and sleeping...I was trying so hard to get those 3 meals and 2 snacks in...on top of nursing 4 times... She had like 10 minutes to play between naps and eating... So sad...and she was so unhappy...and so was I.....

So, last night...our feeding challenge came to a head... I was tired...I had a day filled with kids, whining, and poop...and we had a late night the night before b/c we attended a teaching friend's mother's funeral (and she managed to cry almost the entire way home)...and I have been at home almost every night this week with K, by myself, as Ryan helps a friend out and comes in around 9:30 PM .....
I know that I lost my cool...
For dinner, I made her:
cooked apples
ziti with a little pasta sauce
buttered noodles

and offered her:
pudding
yogurt
sweet potatoes with apples
mandarin oranges
and pears.

She refused almost everything...and wouldn't even try the new foods. She blocks the spoon or my hands...oftentimes swinging her arms to knock the food all over the place. She tosses the food over her shoulder onto the floor (the dogs love this!)... And, she managed to use her arms as windshield wipers on her high chair tray flinging food all over the place... And, I had mopped a day before...on my hands and knees...

I raised my voice and loudly placed the bowl of food on the table, slammed my palms down, and said, "THAT'S IT!" She looked at me...her face changed...and she cried...
She cried so badly that her arms were shaking in fear. She was scared...and it broke my heart.

I am so disappointed in myself
...and so incredibly sorry for making her so upset...

I have never seen her like that...and I pray I will never do that to her ever again...

I suck...
I really felt like a failure...and the guilt...
it's overwhelming...

I look at her little sweet face and listen to her laugh...and her smile...it melts my heart...
How could I do that to her??????????????? How could I lose my patience with her????

So, I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying...and taking deep breaths at mealtimes when she refuses her food...
and I work really hard not to lose my patience...
I smile a lot while I offer her food and talk to her in a sweet voice.

It's going to take awhile to reverse my thoughtless loss of reality yesterday...
I remind myself that she will not starve...
Who cares if she's not eating 3 meals AND snacks

She's crawling like a fiend...she's active...she laughs...she's observant...she's thriving... She can't be doing that bad......I can't be doing that bad of a job at keeping her energized and fed...even if I am a feeding failure...