giving in...

while i am still kind of "new" at this parenting thing, i have had the chance to watch several hundred parents "raise" their children from afar (children were the ones in my classroom for the 9+ years i was teaching)... and kids i was friends with while growing up...and even people i come in contact with now...

something i'm thinking a lot about is when and why a parent gives in...not only for me, but for other people i've seen parent in my 30+ years... are you challenged when you're tired? would you rather just do something else instead of being with your child? what do you give in about? is it something so basic...or something more important... at times, i wonder if it really matters if it's a significant thing or not...instead, i wonder what message giving in sends to your child? when, as a parent, do you draw the line and give in to your child?

we've all be in the store watching a child throw a tantrum because a parent didn't give in...
or you see the cute little girl walking around in unmatched clothes, in public...

i will probably be one of those parents with a child throwing a tantrum...well, maybe not - i hope K will not find tantrums to be OK, but i also hope that i don't give in to just "keep her quiet"

like last night, at the doctor's office, a young mother, a grandmother, and a little girl - who was maybe 3 years old, were waiting to be called... the little girl wanted a piece of gum from her grandmother's purse, but the grandmother told her no... so the mother, in annoyance, says, "just GIVE her some GUM! I ALREADY have a HEADACHE and I don't want to hear HER act up here while we wait."
without missing a beat, the grandmother got some gum, gave it to the mom to chew first (as per the mom's request...she wanted to chew the gum for her daughter first so she wouldn't "eat it"), and the little girl went skipping around the waiting room while chewing the already been chewed gum... (will i really do that - chew my child's gum for her before i give it to her??? it sounds so gross...)

but there are other things...like my child's health and well-being...

like giving in about brushing her teeth...and yes, at 13+ months of age, she brushes her 6 little teeth every night and has for about 2 months... and maybe i have my dad to thank for the whole importance of brushing your teeth... as a kid, i can remember a few nights when i was asked to get out of bed (i was already sleeping) to brush my teeth. when he'd come to get ready for bed, if my toothbrush looked dry, he'd feel my toothbrush (kinda gross, now that i think about it). if it was dry, i was up to brush my teeth. but i didn't forget very often, if you know what i mean...
but i know people who don't make their kids brush their teeth...i'm not really sure why. some say it's such a pain to fight with their child about brushing... are you kidding? do you think it's going to be better when your kid is sitting at the dentist getting shots of Novocain to get fillings??! and, plus, that's just gross... plus, what message does that send to a child???? shouldn't we establish our expectations early?

and what about washing your face at night...? i know, for a fact, that when i wipe K's face several times a day after a meal and at night, it's not her favorite thing in the world...but it has to be done... and, when she's entering puberty and facing that nice, oily teenage skin, i know that we will have hopefully instilled the importance of keeping yourself clean...

how about clipping nails? yes, it's not the most pleasant thing in the world, but is it really teaching your child anything if you let them go around with sharp, claw-like nails on the fingers and toes? granted, trimming nails may take a few days to complete in little increments, but if you think about the alternative...ewww and OUCH! i don't think any one likes to see people out and about with unkempt, long, and dirty nails...

how about taking pride in your surroundings? i know that ry and i tend to be a bit on the cluttery side, but we have to work almost every day to pick up our things... but i will expect K to clean up her toys and to keep her room in a semi-decent condition (at least until she becomes a teenager, maybe...and then, i'm sure she'll be spending time in her room cleaning when she wants to do something or go out :))... i want to be able to vacuum her carpet regularly and to keep her living area in proper order...and i want her to also feel the same way about her home, room, and living area...

now the one thing we're challenged with a bit is eating...K is a very picky eater, but she's getting better. but i know a lot of people who give their kids any foods that they want...even if they're not that good for them...like hot dogs for every meal because "it's what he likes." or a range of choices in case he doesn't like the other 3 things you've provided for him so far.
for the last few nights, K has gone to bed with a nearly empty tummy, i'm sure, because she will not eat the main course of her meal that she's given. there's nothing wrong with the food...she's eaten it before...but i don't want her to think that she can just refuse to eat what's put in front of her only to expect another meal instead.... like our wonderful pediatrician told us, "don't cater to her tastes and make her another separate meal. pretend like you have 10 kids; would you make separate meals for every one of them?" of course, he piggy-backed this message and advice with not giving her 5 alarm chili, but you get the point...

i guess that we all face our own tests and challenges with parenting... but it all boils down to "who is in charge" and what values you'd like to instill into your child... i know that i will face my own battles with K as she grows more independent and willful...however, i hope that i will not waiver in my expectations and requirements of her... i want her to grow up knowing what's expected of her and i want her to be internally stimulated to take pride in herself, her surroundings, and in her family... i know we're not perfect, and we have areas where we do need to improve, but that's part of the learning process...

but i really wish, for some of the children i know, that parents would stop giving in... it's really showing the ultimate form of laziness as you "parent" your child/children, and it's only going to create more challenging issues as the years pass...

i need to remember this, too...because i want to be my daughter's mom first...so that we can be friends later... :) ...what an honor that will be... :)