The minute you have a child...

i have thought about this a lot but i haven't really said a whole lot about it to too many people for fear of being "morbid..."

i am watching CMT (i don't know why...don't ask...) and they have a top 20 countdown going on... they're interviewing the stars of the movie "The Lovely Bones" - which will come out in a week... (a side note - great book...read it a few years ago...will be eager to see what the movie holds...)

anyway, in the book/movie, a child (i think she's 14 years old?) dies...she's murdered... she hovers between living and heaven and can observe how her family reacts to her death... it's very interesting...

Susan Sarandon, who plays the grandmother in the movie, was just interviewed...and she made a pretty personally powerful statement:

"I think the minute you have a child, you're suddenly thinking about death...that's what nobody tells you..."

that statement describes me to a "T."

Since I've become a momma, the mild obsession about dying...me, ryan, and, God forbid, her...it's at the forefront of my mind at various times... it's horrifying...scary...emotional...it leaves me nervous... i could list my emotions...

i immediately cry when i know of tragedy that strikes a family - real or fictional... when they lose a child, i wonder why...and how in the world any momma or dad...or grandma or grandpa...can cope... i look at K and wonder if she's perfectly healthy...or if something is brewing under her beautiful skin... or if she will slip through my tight hold in another way...

i have a hard time watching Law and Order: SVU now...or any of those types of shows where children are involved...

i am so saddened by terminal illnesses... i just read about a lady who died of breast cancer (who has a very powerful message right here @ Death is not Dying)......leaving her two very young children... i couldn't help but read her letters that she posted in sort of a diary style...it ripped my heart out. i can't even begin to imagine how a mother can face death while watching her two young and beautiful children grow...and how you can cope with the knowledge that you won't be there any more for rocking them to sleep while smelling their sweetness...kissing them...watching them splash in the bath...feeding them...and for their teenage years...as they graduate...when they get married...when they have children...
and i will tell you i've had a fear of dying of breast cancer in my 30s for years...long before i had a child...

i guess that we can't live in constant fear all the time... but i won't lie and tell you that the fear isn't there... it is... but you can't let it consume you... you can't live life in a happy and healthy way dwelling on the what ifs and could've beens... and of course, there's the promise of a wonderful new life in Heaven...

it's hard to think that life could be any better than rocking your baby girl to sleep each night... but we have to believe in the promises...

day to day...that's how you need to live... cherish each minute...each second...and know that nothing is more important than a minute with your child... :) i want to remember that every day... :)